Since my newly developed obsession with a certain #Rockville actor, I've come to realise that crushes take a lot of time and dedication. All the day-dreaming, keeping tabs on them and coming up with your future kids names is a lot of work. So, for all you gentle sisters who haven't yet perfected the art of getting noticed by your crush, I have taken the liberty of compiling this easy guide to help you along... No need to thank me.
1. Like One Of
Their FB Photos From Three Years AgoTotally not creepy. Any dedicated stalker knows how important it is to learn about your crushes past.
2. Always Retweet Them
If your crush doesn't know you exist, well...they will now!
3. Use One Of Their Photos As Your Cover Photo
This may seem a little extreme but trust me, it's not. They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, so off you go…
4. Start Sending Him A Bunch Of Anonymous Letters
Because that's the mature thing to do of course. P.S: If you wear a weave not sure how you’re going to get around the whole lock of hair thing, you're on your own.
Make sure you have enough money for e-tolls - this can be a problem
6. Follow Their Girlfriend
Again, not creepy at all. It’s just so you can, you know… keep a close eye on the enemy
You Have Now Reached The Advanced Stage of Your Stalk
7. Get PhotoshopBecause every photo of theirs would look sooo much better with you in it. Exhibit A --->
8. Set Up A Fake Account In Their Name And Start Commenting And Liking All Your Selfies
I mean, every relationship has to progress right? And besides, how else is his girlfriend going to leave him if she doesn’t find these things.
Lastly, if none of this shit works, just accept that this has been the biggest waste of your time. Put on a Celine Dion CD, get white-girl wasted and ugly-cry while you go through pictures of your crush on facebook.
Disclaimer: This was written from the comfort of a padded room in a psychiatric hospital that shall not be named.
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