I had a dream

Hi [insert name],

See, I purposefully left that like that as I’m not quite sure how to address you. You took off so early in my life I never really got to know you. So let’s stick with “dad” for now.

So I had a peculiar dream last night, you know, the kind where you wake up in a snot-fest cause you’ve been crying so hard? Yeah, that one. But while I sat up thinking what it could all mean, something became very clear to me.

See this dream had nothing to do with you, hec you weren’t even in it, but somehow between drowning in my own tears and almost popping a vein, it all made sense.

I have to tell you a funny story but promise not to laugh? Ok, so I never learnt how to ride a bike, right? Normally this wouldn’t be any black woman’s concern in life but hey, here I am having facetious thoughts like, “Now I can never enter the Amazing Race or The Cycle Challenge or even visit the Netherlands.” Silly neh? But see, had you stuck around a little maybe this wouldn’t be the case and since mom couldn’t afford one, it’s just one of those things that lack in my life due to your absence.

Remember the time I was five and caught chicken pox? [Oh wait…of course you don’t, you weren’t there]. Anyhow, you refused to give mom money to take me to the doctor and I landed up missing school and staying home alone for an entire week. Those scars stayed too.

I cannot express to you how difficult my teenage years were. Mom was really tough on me but then again I suppose she had to, she spent a good part of her life raising me on her own. Did you know at some point she had three jobs? It was horrible. She would come home from nightshift just in time to help me get ready for school and then she’d be off to the next one.

Well I guess all that paid off cause she landed up marrying a really good guy. He took me in and treated me like his very own. He put me through school, yes and varsity, clothed me, fed me and basically instilled in me principles of how not to be a fuck-up in life. So in a nutshell, he’s everything I wish you were. Kinda looks like he’ll be walking me down the aisle {did I mention I was engaged?}

I mean apart from my trust issues and overwhelming talent to drink like a fish you’ll be relieved to know, I didn’t turn out too bad. I have an amazing career, in the process of buying a house and hopefully someday soon you’ll be a grandfather. *clears throat* Wait, my step dad will be a grandfather? Shit! Not quite sure how that’s going to work. But see, this is only one of my ongoing internal battles.

I’m really sorry to hear about your health. No really, I am. Gran told me you’re not doing so well. Dialysis can’t be too fun. I’m also really sorry I never came to visit you in hospital; I had a nasty battle with my inner demons on what it would be like to see you again. What I would say? What you would say? And all that kind of stuff… They won.

So what does all this have to do with the dream you ask? Well, I figured a lot of things weren’t going well in my life because I was still holding onto the anger caused by your abandonment. I mean, you can only imagine a mother’s distress when her little girl asks, “Did he not like us?”

Basically, what I’m trying to do is make you a deal… If you forgive me for wanting to be with you, I'll forgive you for avoiding me. If you forgive me for not being able to let go, I’ll forgive you for never having latched on. If you forgive me for having hopes and dreams of being daddy’s little girl, I’ll forgive you for crushing them.

And like Gandhi said, “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”

So do we have a deal?

And I really hope you get better soon because maybe then I can deliver this to you in person.

Yours truly,
Girl Interrupted
xxx